


Living in a State of Dreaming

by TVBS



Series: A Human Vulnerability [1]
Category: Rooster Teeth/Achievement Hunter/Funhaus RPF
Genre: M/M, Panic Attacks, Rape Recovery, Suicidal Thoughts, Vomiting
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-10-11
Updated: 2015-10-16
Packaged: 2018-04-25 22:51:19
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 6
Words: 15,213
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4979725
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TVBS/pseuds/TVBS
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Michael's been acting strangely. Geoff and Ryan are worried for him, but they can't get him to say what's wrong. And it seems like it only gets worse as the week goes on.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

It didn’t take much to make Michael Jones angry. Most of the time, it was playful anger. The kind of anger when Gavin decided to be an asshole and Michael gave the predictable response. The kind of anger that was here and gone. It showed up during games when he got frustrated too; he would have the flash of intense anger that would die away. Anger and Michael Jones went together, and everyone accepted that.

So when Michael didn’t get angry when Gavin ruined their chances at winning during a Minecraft challenge, it worried everyone. Ryan caught Geoff’s eye as everyone stood up after recording, tilting his head towards Michael as Jack and Gavin left the room. Geoff nodded in response, going over to the younger man and placing a hand on his shoulder. “Hey, you doing okay there?” he asked, giving Michael a gentle shake.

It didn’t escape Ryan’s notice that Michael tensed up, a brief flash of something crossing his face as he pulled away from Geoff’s hand. “I’m fine,” he told Geoff, turning to him with a smile and a half laugh. “What, can’t a guy have something he’s thinking about?”

Geoff smiled a little at that, ruffling Michael’s hair. “Well, don’t let it affect your work too badly. And if you need to talk to anyone about it, you know any of us will listen.”

Michael fell silent at that, nodding a little as he rubbed his arms. “It’s just something I have to think about,” he finally said. “Thanks anyway, Geoff. Hey.” Michael’s hand lifted, almost reaching out for Geoff as he turned away. “Tonight. Mind if I come over?”

That made Geoff’s eyebrows climb for his hairline. “Sure. It’d be great to have you over. You sure everything’s okay?”

”Yeah, everything’s fine.” Michael’s voice trailed off a bit, then he shook his head as if he was trying to dislodge the thought that had risen. “Just tired of having dinner alone, you know?”

Geoff’s eyes flicked over to Ryan, who had a slight frown on his face. “Sure, I get it,” he said casually. “I can give you a lift there and home tonight.”

If Ryan wasn’t looking at Michael’s face, he would have missed the brief flood of relief in his eyes. “Cool, thanks.” He grinned at Geoff as he got up, stretching with a little wince. “I’ll be right back.”

Geoff patted Michael on the back. “Don’t worry about it. We’re not doing anything until Jack and Gavin get back anyway.”

”Aye aye,” came the drawled response as Michael left.

Which meant Geoff and Ryan were alone for a bit, Jack taking care of something and Gavin probably getting something to eat. “He’s hiding something,” Ryan told Geoff in a low voice, as if there was someone else in the room to hear them.

”I know.” Geoff ran a hand through his hair, exhaling hard. “Maybe I can get him to talk about it tonight. I really don’t know, though. You saw how he tensed up when I touched him?” Ryan nodded at that. “He was fine on Friday,” Geoff continued, trying to work through it. “Think he got some bad news over the weekend?”

”That’d make sense.” Ryan thought about it a little more, poking at the facts and trying to come up with the answer. “Whatever it is, it’s eating at him.”

Both of Geoff’s hands came up to his hair, pushing it back in frustration. “This sucks,” he whined a bit. “I don’t know how to help him.”

”All you can do if be there for him,” Ryan told him, wanting to do the same. He wanted to help Michael too. Something was wrong with him and he wanted to fix it. “He’ll tell you in his own time.”

”I know.” Geoff let both of his hands drop as Gavin came back with a sandwich, chewing lazily. “Hey doofus. You seen Michael?”

”No.” Gavin swallowed the bite in his mouth, looking around. “Did something happen to him?”

”He said he was going to be right back,” Ryan told him, starting to feel a little worried. Normally, this wouldn’t be anything, but with how Michael was currently acting, it was a little strange. “Have you noticed how he’s acting today?”

Gavin nodded. “He’s been out of it, yeah? I just thought he was sick or something.”

Geoff and Ryan looked at each other. “Maybe,” Geoff said slowly.

Then Jeremy stuck his head into the room. “Hey, did I miss a bet or something?”

”Nah,” Ryan told him. “Why?”

”Michael’s throwing up in the bathroom. Thought I missed Gavin betting him to eat something dumb.”

He didn’t even have time to finish his thought before Geoff was tearing out of the room. Ryan followed hotly on his heels, worry pounding through his body. Something was wrong with Michael and he just would not say what it was. He needed to know now what the hell was going on. Ryan and Geoff made their way quickly down to the bathroom, coming to a stop as Michael exited, wiping his mouth. “Oh,” the younger man said, looking up at them. “Hey. Uh. Guess I’m not feeling that good.”

”Not feeling that good?” Geoff’s voice started spiraling up to a high-pitched note. “That’s kind of understating it! If you’re puking, go home. Ryan can drive you. Don’t worry too much about it.”

”That’s nice and all Geoff, but I’m an adult and can-” Michael started before Geoff raised a hand, cutting him off.

”You’re an adult and I can’t tell you what to do,” he told him. “That’s true. But I _can_ tell you that if you’re puking, you’d probably be better off nursing that at home.”

Ryan frowned as something crossed Michael’s face. He couldn’t catch it before it was gone, but he knew it wasn’t something good. What Geoff said wasn’t good for Michael. “I’ll be fine,” he finally said, making Geoff sigh.

”Okay, but if you puke again, you’re definitely taking your ass home.”

”Okay,” Michael muttered under his breath. “I got it.”

* * *

It seemed just saying that spurred Michael into embracing his anger again. Outbursts came back on Tuesday, spilling out at Gavin when he did something dumb, or when the game worked against him. Whatever was bothering him, he had managed to carpentalize it so he could work.

And that worried Ryan. He wasn’t working through it. Instead, Michael was actively avoiding it, pretending it didn’t exist. Something told him that it would come out again, and it would end horribly.

He watched Michael closely, waiting. Hoping he was wrong. And he knew Geoff was doing the same, given how he tried to avail himself. But Michael either didn’t see it or didn’t want to take the help. And all Ryan and Geoff could do was to make themselves available.

Even Gavin had realized something was wrong. His eyes caught Geoff’s as they reentered the room, seeing Michael already back and working. Something was _wrong_ with his boi and he wanted to know what. Geoff shrugged at Gavin, not sure what to say. Frowning, Gavin went over to Michael, clasping his shoulder and leaning down so his mouth was next to his ear. “Mi- OW!” He stumbled back, holding his nose as Michael rose to his feet, arm pulled back for another punch. “Michael, what was that all about?”

Michael looked around the room, swallowing, clearly panicked. His arm trembled as he registered who was in the room, and slowly lowered his fist. “Sorry,” he mumbled.

”Sorry?!” Geoff strode forward, anger rising in his face. “Michael, what the fuck was that all about? Yeah, you punch Gavin when he’s being stupid sometimes, but not for no goddamn reason like that. What the fuck is wrong with you?”

”Nothing is fucking wrong, okay?” Michael’s pitch rose as he faced Geoff. Ryan distantly noted how Michael seemed to force himself to stand there, to face him. “He just surprised me. Nothing is fucking wrong and you should stop asking me that fucking question!”

Geoff opened his mouth as Michael sat back down, then closed it in frustration. “Don’t punch anyone again today,” he finally said grudgingly. “Even if Gavin deserves it unless you want to actually tell us what the fuck is up.”

”Well then, I’m not punching anyone because nothing is up,” Michael muttered, going back to work.

Geoff and Ryan looked at each other, worried. This wasn’t anything like Michael. And they didn’t know how to ask him to get him to talk. Ryan went back to his work, his mind going through anything he could do to help. He had to be able to do something. Maybe he could drive Michael home tonight. He’d have to be careful not to be too pushy, but be obvious that he wanted to help. Though, if it wasn’t obvious by now that he wanted to help out, he didn’t know what to say.

”Hey, Michael, do you have a ride home?” Ryan tried to ask casually, hoping Michael hadn’t put on his headphones yet.

There was a moment of silence, making Ryan think that Michael had already gone back to work, before a sigh. “Nah,” Michael said. “But I’m fine. I can-”

”I’ll drive you home. It’s no problem.”

”I know what you’re doing, Ryan, and really. I can get myself home tonight.”

The final tone of Michael’s voice made Ryan’s fingers tighten into fists on his keyboard. He just wanted to help, damn it! “Okay,” he said instead, forcing his voice to be light and airy. “Just remember my offer’s open.”

”Yeah, yeah.”

* * *

Michael was out.

Ryan didn’t know what he expected. It seemed like everything this week was leading up to Michael calling out. No one else in the office looked surprised either. Though, Geoff seemed to be the only one that had the same amount of worry that Ryan did.

”You going over to Michael’s place after work or me?” Geoff asked him quietly as they broke for lunch. Ryan looked over at him, watching him absently play with his mustache. One of them had to go over to his place, make sure he was actually okay considering how Michael had been acting this entire week.

”I’ll go over,” he told him. “I don’t know if I can actually get him to talk, but I can make sure he’s okay.”

”Cool, thanks.” Geoff ran a hand through his hair, looking harried. “I wish I knew what the say to the little prick.”

Ryan laughed a little at that, bitterly. He felt the same way. What the hell could they say to Michael? “He’s not going to say anything to us before he’s ready.”

”Fuck, I know that. Doesn’t make this any easier.”

It really didn’t. Ryan knew that.

But as he left for lunch, all he could do was compose various ways to ask Michael what was wrong without asking what was wrong. It was harder than he thought originally. He had to be as supportive as possible, he knew that. But on top of that, he had to make sure to say the right thing and considering he had no idea what the fuck was wrong, he didn’t know what that would be.

The thought haunted him throughout the entire day. Maybe the best thing he could do right now was just show up with some easy to stomach food and offer to help out around the apartment with things. Just... to kind of be there in case Michael wanted to talk. That might be the best. That way he didn’t have to say anything and have it be the wrong thing.

Which meant now Ryan was standing in front of Michael’s door with a bag from a nearby sandwich shop with chicken noodle soup and a sandwich inside of it. He knocked a few times, waiting for Michael to open up. Ryan looked around as he waited, each minute that passed worrying him more. Michael might just be sleeping right now, but- He knocked again, a little louder. Something told him Michael was listening and just not opening.

Finally, he heard the deadbolt being thrown and the door cracked open, Michael glaring up at him with bloodshot eyes. He grunted at him, questioning, then down at the bag. “‘m not hungry,” he told Ryan, slurring the words slightly. It might be that he just woke up, slurring them from sleep, but- Ryan pushed the door open, making Michael jump back, nearly falling over. “What are you doing?!” he nearly screamed at him, a thin note of panic entering his voice.

That was enough for Ryan to see the graveyard of beer bottles behind Michael. He fixed Michael with a glare, not softening it when he saw how distressed the man had become. He should be, considering Ryan just caught him taking the day off just to drink. “What the hell are you doing?” he asked quietly, letting the anger fill his voice. “Wanting to get drunk isn’t exactly a good reason to take the entire day off.”

”G-go away.”

”No. We’ve dealt with this for the entire week and now you’re doing this shit.” Ryan pushed his way inside, shutting the door behind him. “We’re going to talk and- Michael? Holy shit.” He dropped the bag as his hands came out to grasp Michael’s arms as the younger man gasped for air, tears running down his face, fear filling his face. “Fuck. Michael, it’s okay. I’m just- Michael-” Was he really having a panic attack over this? Ryan felt frustration batting at him as he guided Michael to the floor, making his voice soothing. “It’ll be okay, Michael. I’m not angry at you. I’m just worried. Come on, Michael, breathe in... and out... in...”

Finally, Michael’s breathing evened out, and he sat there, arms trembling in Ryan’s loose grasp. “Let me go,” he finally whimpered, to which Ryan complied.

What could he say to that? Something that Ryan did scared him to the point he had a panic attack. And he had no idea what it could be. Slowly, Ryan stood up, picking up the bag and noting that the styrofoam soup container hadn’t leaked. He put the bag on the counter, going to clean up the empty beer bottles. When he came back, Michael was leaning against the wall, looking up at the ceiling with a distant gaze, his knees brought up to his chest. Slowly, Ryan knelt next to him, trying not to look threatening. “Why did you take today off to drink?” he asked him, trying to keep his voice neutral and soothing.

Michael shook his head without taking his eyes off the ceiling, swallowing and laughing a little. “It made things a little better.”

”Drinking doesn’t make things go away,” Ryan started before Michael laughed hysterically.

”I fucking well know that!” Michael dropped his head into his hands, the hysterical laughter starting to sound like sobs. “It doesn’t make a single fucking thing go away! But it makes it better so get the fuck off!” His breath hitched at his choice of words, trembling. “Oh God.”

”Michael, if there’s anything we can-”

”You can’t do a fucking thing!” Michael dropped his hands, showing the tear tracks lining his face. “Get the fuck out of here and take your goddamn food with you!”

Ryan stood slowly, going over to the bag and picking it up. He didn’t know what to do, and he wanted so badly to do _something._ “Geoff wants to help,” he told him. “I do too. We all do. We want to help you through what’s going on.”

”I can’t tell Geoff,” Michael muttered, pressing his forehead to his knees. “I can’t tell him. I can’t-” He shook his head, his breathing picking up.

”You don’t have to,” Ryan said quickly. “But... we’re worried, Michael.”

Slowly, Michael turned his face to look at Ryan. He muttered something too softly for Ryan to clearly hear, but there was a word in there he didn’t want to hear. He wasn’t sure he heard it, but he didn’t want to hear it at all. Then, Michael repeated it, louder. “I was raped.”

Oh God.

”Saturday.”

Oh _God._

”Now get the fuck out of here.”

”What happened?” Ryan asked quietly.

”I was raped. Some guy made me his bitch on Saturday when I was an idiot and tried to go to the gym while it was still dark out and no one else was around. What else do you need to know? Want to know what I was wearing?” Michael glared at him. “Get the fuck out of here, Ryan. You can’t make it better. Unless you can go back in time and shoot the fucker in the head or someth-” Something hitched his words, something that sounded like a sob or hysterical laugh. Michael pressed his forehead into his knees, trying to breathe. “I’ll be back at work Monday,” he told Ryan in a tightly controlled voice.

”Do you want me to tell Geoff?”

Michael froze. “Oh God,” came the soft whisper. “He’d- I can’t tell him.”

”He’s worried about you,” Ryan reminded him.

Michael just shook his head. “I can’t tell him,” he whimpered.

Which meant Ryan couldn’t either. He hovered over Michael, wanting to touch him, to clasp his shoulder or hug him or something, but... he didn’t know what would bring back the memories. He didn’t know what to do. “I won’t, then,” he told him, watching him relax a little. “I can... be back over later, make sure you’re okay.” He tried to put into the words something more. Something that said that he’d be over, to make sure that it wouldn’t happen again, to try to give Michael peace of mind. He wanted to do something to make it better.

”Don’t.” Michael slowly stood up and fuck. How had they missed how stiffly he was moving? “I’ll be back at work Monday. Thanks for the panic attack, fuckwad.”

”I’m sorry.”

Michael ran a hand through his hair, looking away. “Yeah, I know you are,” he muttered. “Now go away.”

There really wasn’t much that Ryan could do now. “I want you to eat this,” he told Michael, putting the bag back down. “Just to put something in your stomach. I won’t stay to watch you eat it. Just eat something.”

”Fine.” He looked too tired and drunk to argue with it. “And you’ll leave now?”

Ryan nodded. “I’ll see you on Monday.”

”See you.”


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm going to try to write this as fast as possible, since this is a very unpleasant subject for me. But I want to get this written.

Why did Ryan have to come by, and now? Michael rested his head against the door, trying to will the room to stop spinning. Today was such a bad day to come by. This week was such a bad week. Just... it was bad for Ryan to come over and he shouldn’t have. He pressed his hands against the door, hearing his breath shake. Fuck. He didn’t want Ryan to know. Or anyone. They would just... baby him. Feel sorry for him and handle him with kid gloves.

And now that Ryan, one of the biggest dads there, knew what happened, he was pretty certain all of them would know and he’d be coddled because oh, poor Michael. Someone jumped him on the way to the gym and fucked his ass. He inhaled sharply at that, wiping his mouth.

Nothing really made the memory go away. Not really. It was always there, taunting him. The feeling of the guy’s hands on him, pinning him when Geoff took his shoulder. The memory of being crushed under all that weight when he could feel Gavin’s body close to him. Gingerly, Michael felt the back of his head, making a soft noise as he found the sore spot. He had just been lucky no one wanted to touch him there. After hitting his head that hard- after having a hand block off his nose and mouth until he was lightheaded from oxygen deprivation so he’d stop squirming...

More beer. That memory was too close now. Michael started to make his way over to the kitchen, then stopped, looking dully at the bag. That was soup in there. And Ryan wanted him to eat it. And he really should considering his diet had been liquid barley all day. With a grumble, he sat down and opened the bag, pulling out the styrofoam container of soup and the wrapped sandwich. Good thing was it came with a plastic spoon so he didn’t have to get back up, though unwrapping the damn thing was a bit of a bitch with that little coordination. But once he had his spoon, he took a tentative sip.

It was decent. Probably would be better if it had been hot. Michael didn’t feel like getting up and warming it, though. So he sipped at the soup, staring distrustfully at the sandwich. It’d be a good thing to put into his stomach. Filling. But... Michael groaned, unwrapping a bit of it and smelling it.

And took a big bite. God, it smelled good. Before he knew it, half the sandwich was gone and he needed a drink to wash it down. Michael slowly got up, feeling the room shift around him in that drunken way. Maybe a good idea to use water or Coke instead of another beer to wash this down.

God, he needed to be sober on Monday. Ryan knew what happened now, and if he didn’t show up... Michael froze, one hand opening his fridge while the other reached for the can of Coke. If he didn’t show up, Ryan would definitely tell them what happened. He might not now, but he would definitely tell them oh yeah, Michael was raped and is being a little bitch about it. And then he’d have the other dads up in his face, and Gavin wanting to know how his boi is doing...

Fuck. He could never tell Geoff about what happened. It’d be bad enough to have Jack and Ryan being the overprotective dads to him. Geoff... was different. He’d...

He’d never forgive himself.

And that was why Michael could never tell Geoff. He could never let Geoff treat him with kid gloves, and he could never watch Geoff agonize over the fact it happened and he couldn’t stop it. Even though how the fuck would he have? It happened during something he wasn’t normally there anyway. No, he wasn’t going to tell Geoff.

And anyway. Michael snatched up the Coke, popping the tab and taking a long drink. It wasn’t like it mattered. No one was going to know. He was going to go back to work on Monday, nice and sober, and he was going to act like everything was perfectly fine.

Because everything was perfectly fine. Michael went back to his food, aggressively taking another bite of the sandwich. He didn’t need Geoff to know. He didn’t need Ryan to take care of him. Everything was fine.

* * *

”Hey boi!” Gavin popped his head up, smiling over his computer at Michael. “Missed you on Friday.”

”Sometimes you just have to nurse a cold, Gavvy.” Fuck, this felt surreal. Everything was fine, he knew it, but it felt like he was playing the _part_ of Michael Jones right now. Fitting back into a skin of Michael Jones of Achievement Hunter, who has definitely not been raped.

”Just as long as you don’t get me sick as well,” Gavin told him, exaggerated worry filling his voice. Michael laughed at that, laughter bubbling easier in his chest than he thought it would. “Ah, good to see you back anyway.”

”Good to be back.” He smiled at Gavin before he sat down, pulling on his headphones. Well, that was Gavin. And it wasn’t as hard as he thought it would be. He just had to act like himself.

So when Ryan pulled him out of his work, all he had to do was remember to act like himself. What he would act like if interrupted. Not what a raped Michael would act like. “What’s up?” he asked as he slipped his headphones off.

”Just making sure you’re okay.” The serious look in his eyes belied the light tone of his voice. “You were pretty sick on Friday.”

... Ryan really wasn’t going to tell anyone? “Yeah, I’m better. Got it all out.”

He leaned in a little, just enough so he could pitch his voice between them. “You don’t have to keep pretending everything’s okay, Michael. We’re here for you.”

Motherfucker. “Whatever,” he mumbled, looking away.

”I can drive you home-”

”No.” That was going too far. Michael glared at Ryan, making the older man back away from him. He didn’t need fucking babying! Without waiting for another word, he jammed his headphones back on and went back to work, fuming. Fucking asshole. What right did he have to stick his nose into his business?

He was fine.

* * *

It took a special balance to play the part of Michael Jones, pre-rape. He had to be silly, but not too silly. Angry, but not too angry. He had to not drift off into his thoughts. That part was harder than he realized, not letting himself get caught in circles of thought and spiraling down into memory of being pressed against the wall and the pain-

He shook his head. Nope. He was okay. Michael stretched, trying to dislodge the thoughts. He was perfectly fine. And ready to record more once he got a drink. Water was definitely required.

Oh, and there was Ryan. “You okay?” he asked as he walked with Michael, voice kind.

”Goddamn it, Ryan, I’m fine,” he hissed. “What will it take to make you believe I’m fine?”

”Just..” Ryan looked so goddamn lost. “I’m worried, okay? Geoff’s been asking me if I know what’s wrong with you and I have to lie to him about it. And I just want to make sure you’re okay.”

”Well, I’m fine.” Michael grabbed a bottle of water, taking a long gulp. “See? Being myself and everything.”

Ryan looked like he was about to say something else, then thought better of it, reaching out slightly... then pulled his hand back. “We’re here for you,” he said instead.

What, was Michael disgusting now that some guy had fucked his ass? Didn’t want to touch him in case some of the filth got on him? “I’m tired of hearing that.” He pushed past Ryan, taking another sip as he went. Fucking hell. He was too tired of hearing Ryan try to be nice to him about this. He didn’t need it.

He was Michael goddamn Jones. He could be the same Michael as before. It wasn’t even that big of an act. Just slipping into an old role. Ryan could take all his worries and fuck off.

Something did worry him, though. He had said that Geoff was asking what was wrong with him. Which meant that he wasn’t being as careful as he thought. He knew Geoff really cared about him, but he specifically wanted to make sure Geoff didn’t know. Well, he didn’t want any of them to know, but Geoff in particular. So if he knew that something was wrong, Michael needed to step it up in being himself so Geoff didn’t think anything was amiss.

It’d be fine. His life wasn’t that bad. Besides, he had a new game to record a Rage Quit, and that would be fun. He’d be able to let loose.

Yeah.

Let loose.

* * *

Gavin was a trolling fuck and deserved this. That was the only thing Michael would say as he grappled with Gavin, toppling over with a yell. Everyone around them hooted and hollered, and Michael put Gavin into a headlock, grinning. “Submit to my greatness!”

”Never!”

Michael laughed, giving Gavin a noogie. “Submit!”

”I will never submit to your wily ways!” Gavin struggled in his arms, managing to pull free. He grinned at Michael for a moment before grabbing him, pulling him back down as Gavin clung to him. “I got him!”

”Yeah, and what are you going to do with me?” Michael pushed at Gavin, his laughter becoming a little nervous. The way Gavin’s weight was on top of him- Michael pushed harder, managing to shove him off, and scooted away slightly, making sure a smile was on his lips. “You’re not-”

And then Gavin tackled him. Completely normal for the both of them. They tackled each other all the time.

The back of Michael’s head hit the ground.

”I got him!” A cheer went up around them as Michael stared up at the ceiling, feeling the pain in his skull and the weight on top of him and-

”A new challenger appears!” The weight lifted off of Michael as Ryan pulled Gavin up with a growl, making everyone in the room laugh. He could hear Gavin complaining about how it wasn’t fair that he was ganged up on, the tone of voice when he would go pout by himself- and then Ryan’s hand appeared in front of his face. “You okay?” he asked quietly as Michael pulled himself up.

”I didn’t need your help.”

Ryan let his hand drop as he exhaled. “I just want to make sure you’re okay.” He half reached out to Michael again, then stopped. Yeah, like he was fucking diseased or something.

”Fine. I’m fine.” To prove it, he went back to his desk, ready to work.

Why did Ryan interfere? He was perfectly fine. They just got a little rough while playing around. He didn’t need some... white knight coming by and saving him. It was a little late for that anyway, he thought cynically. Anyway, nothing big happened. He got rough with Gavin. That was all.

That was what he did, right? Michael Jones played around with Gavin. He wrestled with him. Sometimes it got rough. He gently felt the back of his head, inhaling as he found the sore spot. Sometimes he got hurt. It wasn’t... like it was... before. Gavin wasn’t going to hurt him.

Gavin wasn’t going to smash his head against a wall.

Gavin wasn’t going to wrap his hand around his nose and mouth until he was dizzy from lack of air.

Gavin wasn’t going to pin him down while he pulled off his shorts.

Gavin wasn’t going to gag him with his own shirt.

Gavin-

Michael rocketed out of his seat, running for the bathroom. He couldn’t be in there. Not right now. Fuck, he couldn’t- Michael slammed the door to a stall open and collapsed in front of the toilet, the contents of his stomach coming up suddenly.

He barely noticed when he felt someone kneeling beside him, hands steadying him. When all that came up were dry heaves, Michael felt someone running fingers through his hair, and he turned his head slightly. “You better?” Ryan asked him, still stroking his hair.

Michael turned back to the toilet, spitting a few times, then flushed, standing. Ryan guided him up, helping steady him. “I’ll be fine,” he said unsteadily. “You didn’t need to do this.”

”I saw the way you ran out of there,” Ryan told him, turning the water on at the sink. Michael took off his glasses and washed his face, rinsing out his mouth as well. “Michael... have you gone to the police?”

He shook his head. “Bastard wore a condom,” he mumbled, not wanting to say it too loudly. Didn’t want anyone to overhear. “Besides... don’t want to start the bullshit. I just want to get on with my life.”

Ryan looked at him, one hand half up as he looked frustrated. Then, he reached out, touching Michael’s back hesitantly. “Can I... at least drive you home? Geoff is going to want you to go home after that.”

”Why are you doing this, Ryan?” The words just came out tired. He wasted all his emotion vomiting.

”Because I care about you. We all do.” The hand on his back stroked the line of his spine, a little more bold since it hadn’t been pushed away. “I’m not going to tell anyone. It’s not my job to do so. But we all care and worry about you.”

Michael grumbled at that, putting his glasses back on. “You sure Geoff won’t buy I just ate something weird?”

”Food poisoning still means going home, Michael.”

”Even if I go home, you don’t need to drive me.”

Ryan sighed, his hand flat against Michael’s back. “I don’t. But I want to.”

Something Michael didn’t understand took over, made him say “Fine.” He didn’t know why he said that, except maybe to make that look on Ryan’s face go away. That was probably it.

The drive was quiet. No one talked. And Michael liked it that way. He didn’t have to worry about trying to convince Ryan he was okay, or make stupid small talk. Everything was just perfect like that.

Which just gave him time to tell himself how stupid he had been to get worked up over being hurt during roughhousing with Gavin. He just got a little hurt. No need to have a fucking flashback during all of that. Michael closed his eyes, resting his head against the window. Fuck, he had been a moron.

Thing is, that hadn’t been the worst part of the entire... he had been raped, but...

Michael looked over at Ryan as he drove, then back at the road.

* * *

Saturdays had started to suck. Michael curled up on the couch, absently flicking through Netflix for something to watch. There had to be something. It wasn’t like cable where something to watch only came on at certain times. He had all the time in the world to pick something. There had to be something-

There was a knock at the door. Curious, Michael went over to his door, groaning as he checked the peephole. “Why are you here?” he asked, opening to reveal Ryan.

Who had another bag from that shop with the soup and sandwich. Only bigger. With two soups and sandwiches. “I figured you might want something to eat,” he offered.

”And that you’d eat with me?” Michael eyed the bag. That food had been good...

”I have nothing else to do.”

Michael shrugged. Price for food was Ryan’s company. As long as he didn’t start the whole ‘we’re here for you’ bullshit, it was a small price to pay. “Fine, cool. Don’t try to get me to talk about my feelings and you can stay.”

Ryan smiled at that, coming in as Michael shifted to let him in. “I just brought the same thing as last time,” he explained as he set the containers and wrapped sandwiches out. “I thought if you liked it last time...”

”Yeah, yeah.” Michael unwrapped one of the sandwiches, biting into it. “You’re interrupting prime Netflix time.”

Ryan looked at him steadily, then laughed. “Having a hard time picking something?”

”It’s worse than cable.”

He continued to laugh, going over to check out the selection. “Do you mind if I put something on?”

”It’s not like a Lifetime special or something because...” Michael trailed off, watching Ryan go through the selections.

”Just something in the background,” he assured him as he put on a show that Michael had never seen before. It didn’t look like it was meant to be extra special touchy, so it could stay. Ryan came back to the table and got his soup, unwrapping one of the spoons so he could start sipping on it.

Michael did the same, curling up to watch the show. It wasn’t... really good, to be honest. But it was something to watch, and it kept his mind engaged. He looked over at Ryan between episodes, watching him lean against the arm of the couch absently, the bowl of soup laying discarded on the table. Michael looked down at his own styrofoam container, then up at the screen.

”I came.”

Shit. Michael slapped his hands over his mouth. Why did he say that? Why did he say the one thing, that one thing that was the worst thing about his rape?

Michael screwed his eyes shut, waiting.


	3. Chapter 3

At first, Ryan wasn’t sure what he heard. There wasn’t any context to what Michael said. Confused, he looked over at the younger man, his mouth half open to ask, then shut it abruptly. Michael looked terrified, his eyes clenched shut and hands over his mouth, as if trying to pull the words back into his mouth. As if what he had said was completely out of his control.

Then it hit him what Michael had said.

Oh.

What could he say to that? He didn’t know what would make Michael feel better. Or if Michael wanted him to even say anything at all. He seemed to not want to address the whole thing. But... Ryan watched as Michael’s breath grew ragged the longer he stayed silent, and made his decision. “Anal sex can be very pleasurable for men,” he told him in a gentle voice. “There are a lot of nerve endings there, and there is also the prostrate.”

”He didn’t even have to touch me,” Michael whispered against his fingers, his voice shaking.

”Prostrate orgasms happen. It didn’t mean that you liked being raped.” God. He didn’t even know if... “If you’re worried it means you’re gay...”

Michael shook his head, laughing a little as he lowered his hands. “No, I... I don’t worry about that.”

Ryan continued to look at him, trying to figure out what to say next. He was getting somewhere with Michael. He was getting him to open up. What... what could he say next? “Don’t focus on the fact you had an orgasm from it. You didn’t want it, and that didn’t change that at all.”

One hand rose to Michael’s mouth as he absently stuck a nail between his teeth. He worried at it for a bit, then lowered his hand and stared at it. “I haven’t jacked off since then,” he admitted softly. “Just fucking morning wood gets me sick.” He brought the nail back to his mouth, biting at it as Ryan waited for him to say more. “It just reminds me of being fucked in the ass and having a fucking orgasm from it.”

Christ. “Michael.” Ryan turned towards him, pulling one knee up onto the couch. “This is affecting your work, your home, your sexuality... this is affecting _you_.”

”I’m fine,” he snapped at Ryan.

”No, you’re not! Goddamn it, Michael, you’re not fine!” Ryan gestured, frustrated. “You can’t make it through a week before you’re vomiting because of memories. You’re sequestering yourself at home. And you’re not masturbating because it makes you sick. That doesn’t sound like fine to me.”

He knew he flubbed half those words, but he didn’t care. He needed Michael to listen to him.

”And what should I do?” Michael glared at him. “Be all touchy and open about my feeeeeeeeeeelings? Goddamn it, Ryan, I-” He ran a hand through his curls, letting out a long breath as Ryan’s hand half rose, wanting to touch him and make him better. “I can’t do what you want,” he finally said quietly. “I just need it to go away.”

Carefully, Ryan touched his hand, ready to take it away if Michael responded in any way poorly. “Don’t do anything stupid to do that.”

”You mean kill myself?” Michael tilted his head back, staring at the ceiling. The fact he didn’t respond with a follow up right away worried Ryan. “Do you know people who commit suicide go to hell?” he finally said, voice small.

”I’ve heard that before.”

”Yeah.” Michael inhaled sharply, rubbing his face with his free hand. “Yeah.”

It didn’t sound like that was him saying he wouldn’t. Ryan tightened his grip slightly, worried. “Michael...”

”You should go. I’ll see you at work Monday.” Michael lowered his head, taking a deep breath. “Thanks. For the food.”

Goddamn it. Ryan slowly let go. He didn’t want to push anymore. It had already gone badly when he tried to push even a little bit. The fact Michael had even told him that... was amazing. And he would just have to take comfort in the fact he told him he would be at work Monday. God, he better be at work Monday. Ryan started to stand up, gathering the garbage, when Michael grabbed his wrist. “Leave it, I’ll take care of it,” he told him as he stood up. Michael looked up at him, then down at his wrist in his hand, taking a deep breath. “Look, I know what that sounded like. I’m not going to kill myself.”

The words made a knot in his shoulders loosen. Ryan reached out, carefully taking his shoulders and pulling him into a hug. “Thank you.” He let go as soon as Michael tensed in his arms, taking a step back. “I’ll see you on Monday.”

”Yeah. See you.”

* * *

Now that Ryan knew what he was looking for, he could see when Michael was acting, and when he was starting to settle back into his previous life. He acted a bit during recording, forcing himself to be funny and angry. But during his latest bet with Gavin, Ryan could see the old Michael peeking around the corners.

”You’re going to vom,” Gavin giggled as Michael got ready to chug, camera ready, and Ryan agreed as he raised his own camera. Michael was going to puke thanks to Gavin’s dumb bet. But that was the nature of this place and Ryan himself had twenty dollars riding on Michael getting through the entire bottle.

Which Michael did, easily.

Which he really should have put money down on how long it would take Michael to run for the bathroom because he lasted a lot longer than anyone else thought he would. But he had seen how long it took Michael to succumb to his own memories, so Ryan knew a little better.

And then balance was restored to the office and everyone went back to work. Ryan looked over at Michael fondly as he went around over to his desk, thinking about the money he had made and the fact that Michael had seemed like his old self while getting through the bet. He was getting better.

Ryan smiled to himself as he sat down. Michael was opening up to him a little, and it seemed like it was helping him. That was good. But he had to be careful. Michael was really touchy about the entire thing. He didn’t want to seem like he was being pushy or anything. He wanted Michael to open up to him organically.

”Hey.” Ryan looked up at Geoff as he came up to his side, curious. “Can I talk to you?”

”Sure, what’s up?” he got up as Geoff indicated they should leave, having an idea what it was going to be about. And he already started to form his reasoning why he couldn’t tell Geoff in his head. It wasn’t his place to tell Geoff. It was Michael’s, and when he was ready, he would tell him.

”So you’ve been spending a lot of time with Michael,” Geoff started once they walked out of the office, leaning up against the wall. “Has he told you what’s wrong with him?”

Ryan sighed. “Geoff, as I told you before, I can’t-”

”-tell me because it’s not your place, I know,” Geoff finished. “It’s just... Michael won’t say anything. I can’t get him to open up. I was hoping he would have opened up a little at least to you.”

”Geoff, I really can’t-” Ryan shook his head. “It’s something Michael needs to tell you, not me.”

Geoff looked over to one side, rubbing his nose, then back at Ryan. “Something happened to him, didn’t it. Something that’s making him sick and not like himself. I know-” he interrupted Ryan as he started to talk, “you can’t tell me. But... can you tell me if he’ll at least be okay?”

He nodded. If anything, Michael was starting to be okay.

”Good. Well, whatever you’re doing, keep at it. Maybe he’ll be able to tell me soon.”

* * *

Another day down. Ryan stretched lazily, feeling his muscles protest as he did so. He stood slowly, and looked around. Jack, Geoff, and Gavin had already left. Michael was still there, though... and miles away. He came over to Michael’s desk, trying not to surprise him as he leaned against his desk. Slowly, Michael realized he was there, and pulled off his headphone, turning to him. “Yeah?”

”Time to go,” he told him, making Michael snap back to the computer, and groan when he realized what time it was.

”Ugh. Thanks for telling me.” Michael started to save his work, looking up at Ryan as the computer did so. “What? You going to offer me a ride home?”

”I thought it would be nice.” Ryan shrugged.

That made Michael roll his eyes, clicking out of the programs as they saved and closing down his computer. “I don’t need a ride,” he told him in a low voice as he gathered his things. “Especially if you’re-”

”I’m not going to try to push you into anything. Just a ride. You don’t have to talk to me.”

Michael looked at him, then let out a long breath. “Fine. But we’re stopping at that sandwich place.”

That actually gave Ryan a little hope. The last two times Michael had soup and sandwiches from there, he had talked. Maybe this time he’d feel relaxed enough to talk a little more about what happened to him. “Sure. We can do that.”

Michael smiled at him, following him out to his car. “Where did you find this place, anyway?” he asked as he sat down, belting himself in.

”I was looking for something that was going to be easy on your stomach on the way to your apartment and I saw it,” Ryan told him as he started the car. “It smelled good, so I got some.”

”Well, you chose well. That shit’s tasty.”

Ryan shrugged at that, feeling a happy glow in his chest. Maybe Michael wouldn’t talk to him today, but this was good enough. The two of them could talk about silly little things. Things that didn’t matter. Things that would give Michael something to smile about.

He just really wanted Michael to smile without that shadow of sadness again.

* * *

The food containers laid on the table in front of them as Michael curled up on his end of the couch, sleeping. It made Ryan’s heart hurt a little bit at seeing that. Almost like Michael hadn’t been able to get enough to sleep before, only now able to sleep in the presence of someone he knew didn’t want to hurt him. Ryan started to clean up a little, letting the next episode play as he did so. He moved as quietly as he could so Michael could sleep.

When he was done, he sat back down next to him, watching. He didn’t really want to leave now. But it was kind of creepy to just watch Michael sleep and he wasn’t that kind of creepy. And also... he should get Michael actually to bed, but he didn’t want to freak him out by picking him up. But he didn’t want to wake him any so he could walk to bed. Ryan sat back a little, sighing.

He needed to tell Geoff.

It wasn’t his place to tell him. But someone needed to tell Geoff what was going on. Michael didn’t want to say a thing, so that was out. Ryan should, but... he really didn’t want to. He didn’t want to break Michael’s trust in him. When Geoff found out, it should have been because Michael told him, not Ryan.

But what else could he do? He was watching both Michael and Geoff tear themselves apart over this, both for different reasons. Geoff just wanted to know what was wrong, and what he could do to fix it. Fuck, they both wanted to fix it. But Michael wouldn’t let them. Absently, Ryan reached out, stroking Michael’s leg a little. He wanted to help Michael get through this, see the other side. But he insisted on closing himself off.

Ryan’s thumb rubbed circles on Michael’s calf as he made little noises in his sleep. If Michael would just- just open up a little more. Ryan just-

But that was just how it was. All he could do was stand there with his hand open and wait for Michael. He couldn’t do anything else. It frustrated the hell out of him, but that was all he could do.

Ryan looked over at Michael as the little noises started becoming whimpering noises, alarm raising in him. Gently, he shook Michael’s leg. “Hey.”

Instead of waking up, Michael just let out a long whine, curling up more.

”Michael. It’s okay. It’s okay, I’m here.” Oh God, he wasn’t breathing. He was shaking and making choking noises and- his eyes flew open as he gasped suddenly, looking around in a panic. Ryan grabbed him, pulling him into a hug instinctively as he pressed a kiss to his hair. “I’m here, Michael. It’s okay.” He mindlessly dropped another kiss into his curls, rocking him slightly. “It’s okay.”

He could feel Michael’s hands coming up, but instead of pushing him away, he held on tightly. Ryan could feel each shudder going through Michael’s body as he held him, each way his body shook when he inhaled, then how he finally relaxed and pressed his forehead to Ryan’s shoulder as he lowered his arms. Slowly, he pulled back just enough to look up at Ryan. “Thanks,” he said hoarsely.

”You’re welcome.” He paused for a moment, not sure what to do now. Michael hadn’t pulled completely away. Did he hug him back to himself or let him go or...?

Michael’s gaze dropped briefly before he shook himself, pulling free of Ryan’s hug completely. “I think I’m going to go to bed.”

Ryan nodded a little. “I’ll see you Monday, then.”

”Yeah. Monday.”


	4. Chapter 4

After that nightmare, Michael doubted he would actually be able to sleep anytime soon tonight. But that wasn’t the reason he had sent Ryan home. He slid the deadbolt home, taking a deep breath. It wasn’t because of the nightmare, of being raped over and over again, but because of what Ryan did after.

God.

No, he wasn’t afraid he was gay. It never even entered his mind that he couldn’t possibly not be very bisexual. He wasn’t out, and he wasn’t going to out himself now. Especially considering that Ryan might take it as him thinking he liked dicks after having one up his ass and no, he liked them before that. He just never... had one there before. First experience actually taking it and it was not consensual. Michael snorted as he entered his bedroom, laying face up on his bed. He had a feeling if he had actually been willing with someone wanting to do it right, he would have liked it, but... yeah.

There was a thought that kind of worried him, though. Ryan had said this was affecting his sexuality, and while he had meant the fact he hadn’t jerked it since then, Michael had wondered if it would mean he would stop liking cock. That he would start associating a nice big fat dick with pain and helplessness. Michael groaned, running his hands over his face. He _liked_ cock. He didn’t want to start being forced to be pussy only because he couldn’t take a dick anymore.

Not to mention he didn’t even know if anyone would consider him desirable after this. He had been overpowered. Unmanned. Why would anyone want to fuck that? Michael looked up at the ceiling, digging his hands into his hair. Fuck... would anyone want him after they learned?

... not to mention the reason why he sent Ryan home was because he had the sudden urge to kiss him. That would be bad. He had never had the urge to kiss any of his coworkers before (despite all the flirting that went on in the office), and right now would have been the worst time. Ryan probably would have eased his rejection with words of ‘oh, you’ve been raped, you don’t know what you want right now’ or ‘you’re just confused about yourself because someone fucked you stupid.’ Which, okay, he was confused why he wanted to kiss Ryan, but shit. It didn’t make it any less true that he wanted to lean forward and take the older man’s mouth with his own.

Michael rolled over, curling up a little. Even if Ryan didn’t immediately dismiss him, he wouldn’t have wanted him. He knew about Michael’s rape.

He wouldn’t want damaged goods.

... fuck. Michael took a long breath, grabbing a pillow and holding it tightly. That was the thought, wasn’t it? He was damaged. Not just his body, but the way he was acting. A damaged Michael pretending to be whole. Ryan was right; this entire thing was affecting him. But he couldn’t fucking talk to anyone about it. Okay, sure, he could talk to Ryan since he already knew, but what would he say? Talk about what happened and go into graphic detail about it? Yeah, that’d make Ryan feel a whole lot better about the whole thing.

And then he could go into how he wanted to pull Ryan closer to him and make out with him until one of them pushed the other away. See how that went over.

Fuck that urge. He wasn’t going to make out with Ryan. Nope. No need. He was just going to continue on, and try to put himself back together. He could do that. Couldn’t be too hard, considering that he had some help. Not that he needed it, but it could be used.

He could do this.

Michael rolled over onto his back, leaving the pillow behind as he did. He had to do this. He had to.

He was Michael fucking Jones.

* * *

“Goddamn it, Gavin!” How stupid could one person be? Gavin had to be trying to lose. But the blatant stupidity made Michael grin a bit as they lost. He really couldn’t be angry at the idiot. Not when it was obvious he was trying to get a rise out of Michael. But he had to be at least a little pissed off.

That was what made a Michael Jones, after all.

It didn’t really feel as fake as it could be. Joking around, laughing, getting angry... they all came a little easier now. They all seemed a little more natural. So he could go back to normal eventually. Michael ended his recording and stretched, feeling accomplished. He had been normal. He could do it.

”Michael, you going out to lunch?” Geoff called over to him, making his head rise up.

”Nah. What’s up?”

”Just need to talk to you. I’ll pay for lunch.”

Oh fuck. Geoff wasn’t about to start the bullshit Ryan did, was he? Michael bit back a groan, and said something that was vaguely affirmative. His mind wasn’t on that though. What the fuck was he going to say to Geoff? He couldn’t exactly be as abrasive as he had been towards Ryan. Geoff would know something was definitely up then and not give up. And he couldn’t exactly tell Geoff what was going on since he did not want the babying and the way Geoff would not forgive himself for how one of his own got hurt. But how the hell would he throw Geoff off his trail? Fuck. He had to do something.

And as they walked out to Geoff’s car, nothing came to mind.

”So.” Michael braced himself as Geoff drawled the word, forced casual. “Been noticing you’ve been hanging out with Ryan a lot lately.”

”Yup.” The same forced casual. “We’re buds.”

”You two... been talking about anything interesting?”

God fucking damn it. “Nope,” Michael said innocently. “Just being buds.”

He could feel Geoff glancing over at him. “Yeah. Buds. You sure there’s nothing you want to tell me? Like what you and Ryan have been talking about?”

That he had been raped? Ahahaha. “Nope.”

He could feel Geoff’s disappointment at that, but he was fucking protecting him. Geoff didn’t need to know what had happened. Not now, not ever.

Michael’s stomach rumbled, and he leaned his head back against the headrest. God, he would go for those soup and sandwiches right now... but the pizza from Homeslice sounded good too as Geoff pulled into the small side parking lot at the building.

* * *

Yup.

Still disgusted him.

God. Michael tried not to look down at himself as he rubbed the bar of soap across his body, the spray of the shower running down his backside. It was a normal reaction, he knew. Bodies were sensitive, especially dicks. So it’d make sense that he’d get an erection at some point today.

He still couldn’t fucking look at it or touch it. Three weeks after, three weeks of blue balls, and he still felt sick looking at his own dick. Ryan had said it happened, like it was normal for guys to come while being raped. That didn’t make it any easier. It just made it obvious that his body had betrayed him, did things he didn’t want it to do, and he had lost even more control during that. Yeah, it made him feel a little better that he told him it didn’t mean he liked it, but... fuck it.

Michael rinsed off and shut off the shower, going to dry off. He stepped out in front of the mirror, staring at himself, taking a deep breath.

None of those new muscles from working out had helped him. He looked down at the tattoos on his arms, at the way he was gripping the towel in his hands. That body had lost all control during a crucial moment, and everything that he thought that would help him didn’t.

Fuck.

He was pretty certain that Ryan had caught on to his thought process after he had said suicides go to Hell. It wasn’t that he actually would kill himself, but... he’d be lying that it didn’t cross his mind. That he should kill himself because of what happened. But he wasn’t fucking weak like that and he would be okay. So he wasn’t lying to Ryan when he said he wouldn’t kill himself.

Michael sighed, putting the towel aside and started to get dressed. He was going to be okay, and he wasn’t going to kill himself.

Just... he had to get the whole boner disgust thing under control. He missed jerking off. It filled a few minutes of the day, and it was fun. Having that be tainted with that kind of memory sucked.

Michael walked out to the living room, throwing himself down onto the couch and turning on Netflix. He would just watch something. Keep his mind occupied. That’d be enough. He scrolled through the selections, grumbling as he didn’t find anything that looked good. Fucking hell. Finally, Michael found the show he and Ryan had been watching, and hesitated. It wasn’t that good, but it filled some time.

He hit play and stretched out on the couch.

* * *

Rage Quit editing sucked. Good thing was he didn’t usually find games that inspired that level of rage in him anymore, and he usually didn’t have the time to record them considering Minecraft, GTA, Play Pals, and whatever else they were thinking about recording this week on top of all of that. But when he did... Michael grumbled, listening to himself scream and noting that it at least sounded real. He at least sounded like he wasn’t phoning it in.

At least it wasn’t hard. It just sucked.

Michael rested his chin on his hand, listening to the next segment and watched the screen to see where the edit point needed to be. He needed to edit out a bit of this but he didn’t know where...

Then his headphones were knocked off his head. Michael managed to keep them from falling on the floor as he turned, glaring at Gavin. “What the hell, dude?”

”Wasn’t my fault!” Gavin backpedalled, hands up. “I didn’t do it.”

Michael glared at him, putting his headphones back on and going back to work. He rewound the recording and listened again.

Something grabbed him from behind.

This time, Michael’s headphones hit the desk as he turned, punching Gavin full on in the face. Gavin fell to the ground, and Michael followed him down, fists first. He hit him over, and over- hitting that face- hitting-

Then he was pulled off, pushed aside as Ryan stood between them, Geoff helping a bloodied Gavin to his feet. Michael rubbed his mouth, feeling his knuckles sting as he looked away.

For a moment, he had seen someone decidedly not Gavin.

For a moment, his mind had seen his rapist.

* * *

”You need to tell him or I will.”

Michael glared at Ryan. “You’re really pulling this shit?”

Ryan sighed, his thumb rubbing circles on Michael’s ankle as he didn’t take his eyes off the television screen. Michael pulled his foot off the couch, and Ryan ran a hand through his hair. “I am really pulling this shit,” he told him. “Look, Michael. You beat up Gavin, and I can’t figure out why. And you won’t tell anyone why. Geoff spoke with me today and he’s pissed at you about it.”

Well then. Yeah, he knew Geoff would be angry at him... but he couldn’t say a fucking thing to him. “So what the fuck do you want me to say to him?”

”Just that... why you’re stressed and why Gavin shouldn’t be pulling shit like that.”

”I can’t tell Geoff,” Michael muttered. He nibbled on a nail, glaring at the screen. “Ryan, I can’t fucking tell him. He... he wouldn’t leave it alone.”

”He’d not going to leave it alone until he knows.”

Goddamn it, Ryan was right. Michael ran a hand through his hair, pulling his feet back up onto the couch. “He’s not going to forgive himself,” he muttered as Ryan lowered his hand again, rubbing his ankle.

”He cares about you,” Ryan pointed out. “We all do.”

Michael looked over at Ryan, catching him looking at him. God, he wanted to lean over and kiss him right now. And he really didn’t want to considering how Ryan would react. Instead, he snapped his gaze back to the television screen, taking a deep breath. “I know everyone cares about me,” he told him. “That’s why I can’t tell anyone. I don’t want to be treated differently.”

The thumb on his ankle paused, then started again. “I see.”

So good that Ryan got not to follow that up with any lies. “Yeah.”

When he looked over again, Ryan was watching the screen. God. He had a crush on him now, didn’t he. And Ryan wouldn’t want him back. Not a damaged hunk of worthless man like him.

Michael looked back at the screen.


	5. Chapter 5

Michael's skin felt warm under his hand. Ryan couldn't stop noticing it as he rubbed his ankle, barely paying attention to the show. The younger man had been so quiet after he told him to tell Geoff. Damn it, he had been so close to having him open up. But he had to say that. He was going to tell Geoff about the rape if Michael was not. This wasn't helping Michael at all. Ryan absently ran hand over Michael's foot, then up his calf. He just wanted to help him. He just...

Fuck. He couldn't explain it, but he had wanted to help Michael so much. Wanted to help him, make him whole again. Not make him hurt. Do whatever he could to just make it better. He wanted to pull Michael into his arms and hold him until everything was healed. Ryan cupped his hand around Michael's ankle, trying to figure out what had just happened on the show. He hadn't been paying attention. And now the episode was over and Michael was pulling his feet away to stand up, yawning.

”I guess I’ll be going,” Ryan told him, stopping Netflix and standing up. He hesitated as Michael stood as well, a part of his mind noting how close he was and how easy it would be to press another kiss to those curls as he pulled him into a hug. “I’ll see you on Monday?”

Michael opened his mouth, then thought again about what he was about to say and nodded. “Yeah. See you on Monday.”

Monday. It had become a weekend tradition for Ryan to come over with soup and sandwiches and for them to watch Netflix. Not a bad way to spend a weekend, he thought as he got into his car. He definitely liked how calm it was, and being with Michael. That was not something he would have thought before: being alone with Michael Jones would be so enjoyable. He wanted to do it more often, maybe come over during the week as well. But he knew Michael wouldn’t react well to that. He nearly didn’t react well to Ryan coming over these weekends at first. But it wasn’t really... that he wanted to come over to make sure he was okay. Not completely.

Ryan just wanted to come over to spend time with Michael.

He paused in his thought as he pulled into his driveway, setting the car into park and leaning back in his seat. No, he didn’t just want to go over to Michael’s apartment to make sure he was okay. He wanted to see _Michael._ He wanted to be there and have those kind of moments with him. Ryan rubbed his face, not wanting to think about that. The entire thing was about Michael and helping him. A selfish reason to want to spend time with Michael came second.

It had to be. Ryan unbelted himself, pulling himself out of his car at that firm thought. His own desires came second to Michael. If it happened that they were fulfilled, then that was good, but helping him came first.

The way he could do it was sometime this week, tell Geoff. God, he didn’t want to. It was an asshole thing to do, to tell Geoff when Michael didn’t want to tell anyone. But it was hurting Michael more to keep this secret. He was going to tell him, and he was going to do it so Michael knew it was happening. No going behind Michael’s back for this.

Hopefully that wouldn’t happen. No, with any luck, Michael would take Geoff aside this week and tell him what happened himself. That way, he didn’t have to do it. Ryan really didn’t want to do it, since that would ruin Michael’s trust in him. And he didn’t want to lose Michael’s trust. He valued that too much.

... maybe he should make it up to Michael after that with dessert from the sandwich shop. The brownies looked pretty good too. It would be nice, to have soup, sandwiches, and a brownie while watching television. Yeah, that sounded like a nice detox after doing something like that.

Okay, so he planned on winning back Michael’s good graces with chocolate. It should work, right?

* * *

Each week, Michael seemed to get better and better. Last week, Ryan would have said that he was well on his way to normal until he started to beat up Gavin. And not even for any reason he could see. Gavin had only been messing with him, knocking off his headphones and grabbing him. Maybe grabbing him reminded him of it? But he had been more violent than last time. As if it was more than that. Ryan just could not figure it out, and it bothered him.

And he could tell it bothered Geoff too. It bothered everyone in the office, but it bothered him the most. He cared so much for his employees, so when Michael started acting like that... Fuck. Ryan had seen how he reacted. And he couldn’t tell Geoff what was going on because Michael didn’t want it.

That was going to end soon, though. He could hear Michael shift in his seat, agitated. His words over the weekend had obviously hit him, and hopefully would make him speak up.

Ryan didn’t put any money on that, though.

He stood up to go to the bathroom, thinking about it. Geoff needed to know, and soon. It would make him feel better, and make Michael feel better because he would have someone else to help him. Someone to tell Gavin to knock it off, or that he fucking deserved it and not to do that again. Not that they should tell Gavin. He’d be supportive, but he would not say or do the right things at all. No, not until Michael had this under control, and only if he wanted to tell Gavin.

When he came back, Michael was by Geoff’s chair, quietly speaking to him. Geoff’s eyebrows were raised, but he didn’t look stricken. So he wasn’t telling him about what happened. Michael looked up, seeing Ryan, and waved him over. “Hey, Ry, can you come with us? I need to talk to Geoff.”

Now. He was going to do it now. Ryan nodded at him, catching and keeping his gaze. He understood. Michael needed someone there that knew, and would support him. He already knew how Ryan would react. As they left the room for a more secluded location, Ryan gently took Michael’s hand, squeezing it briefly, trying to give him courage for the upcoming talk.

Michael’s hand squeezed back before letting go as Geoff stopped. “Okay, this is good,” Geoff started, turning to them. “So what’s up? What’s so big that it takes both of you to talk to me?” He paused, looking at them, at how close they were. “You two aren’t fucking, are you?”

”That wouldn’t be what we need to talk to you about,” Ryan told him, looking at Michael. He squeezed his shoulder, nodding.

Michael nodded back. “Yeah. We’re not fucking.” He took a deep breath, looking up at the ceiling. “Last month? When I starting acting all fucked up? I... I had been raped.”

Silence. Ryan chanced a look at Geoff. He looked as if he didn’t exactly understand the words, or that he did and he didn’t want to. Then, it morphed into realization, then horror. “Oh my God, Michael.”

”So you can stop being all worried about how I’m acting.” Michael turned his gaze down on Geoff, then to the floor when he saw the deeply stricken look on his face. “And... and it’s okay. I mean, I’m getting through this. I’m dealing with this. I don’t need you to treat me like I’m fucking glass.” The last words were spat at the floor, and Ryan could see Michael’s hands trembling.

”Michael, I-”

”I told you so you’d leave me alone,” Michael said, finally looking Geoff full in the face. “Now you know. Now you know why I’ve been acting like such a freak. And now I’m going to go back to my usual life like I’ve been trying to do ever since I was raped.” Geoff visibly winced at the word as Michael turned, leaving Ryan and Geoff behind.

Ryan looked over at Geoff, feeling sympathy for him. He knew how hard it was to hear Michael say that. “Is that why you’ve been going over to his place every weekend?” Geoff breathed, his voice holding back tears.

”Yeah.” Shit. He was so focused on getting Michael better that he didn’t think how wrecked Geoff would get. He knew Geoff would hurt hearing it, but-

”What I supposed to do?” Geoff looked at him, his eyes wet and shiny with horrified and frustrated tears. “I can’t change what happened. Fuck, I should have been-”

”Geoff Ramsey, you couldn’t have been there. It happened while he was going to the gym.” Ryan knew his voice was sharp, but Geoff responded to it and his eyes narrowed at that. “Just... treat him like you did before. Maybe a little less rough housing, but don’t treat him like a doll. Don’t do a whole bleeding heart thing. I tried and he-” Ryan shrugged. “He hated it. Just treat him like Michael.”

Geoff ran a hand through his hair, pulling it slightly. “Yeah, that makes sense,” he muttered. “I can do that. Hell, I can get Gavin to lay off of him for a little bit too. Idiot will actually listen to me if I use that tone of voice on him. I don’t even have to tell Gavin why, just that he’s going through a really rough time and needs a little less Gavin-ness.”

”Horsing around with Gavin would still help,” Ryan pointed out. “It’s the happiest I’ve seen him. It’s just when Gavin gets... it’s when he pins him in some way that he freaks out.”

”Hm.” Geoff thought about it for a moment. Then- “I should have fucking been there.”

Ryan reached out, taking his shoulder and forcing Geoff to look him full in the face. “Then be there for him now.”

* * *

”Is that a fuck huge brownie?”

Michael pulled out the aforementioned fuck huge brownie, and Ryan laughed. The brownies were a little bigger than he remembered. “I thought you’d like some dessert.”

”You chose correctly.” Michael took a huge bite, making happy noises as he chewed. “Mm. Yummy. So, I finally told Geoff. You happy now?”

”That wasn’t it,” Ryan told him, taking a bite of his own brownie.

”You’re happy.” Michael ate his brownie in silence for a bit, then looked down at the half eaten part. “You’re trying to get me to open up about what happened.” Ryan didn’t answer, having the feeling that if he did, Michael wouldn’t continue talking. “You want me to talk about my rape. Get it out of my head.” He put his brownie down and wiped his fingers, then took a deep breath and looked at Ryan. “I didn’t even make it to the gym,” he told him quietly. “I was jumped on the way. Guy grabbed me, slammed my head against the wall. Stunned me. Then he pushed me down and grabbed my nose and mouth since I was trying to get away, pinning and suffocating me until I stopped. Then-” Michael took a long ragged breath as Ryan suddenly realized he still had the brownie in his hand, and he set his down as well. “I think I screamed,” Michael said quietly. “I know he had to gag me with my own shirt. You already know that at some point, I came.”

”I do,” Ryan whispered, not wanting to break the spell of Michael’s words but wanting to acknowledge them.

Michael nodded. “I came home after that. Didn’t... didn’t even go to the gym. I stayed home all weekend, half of the time in the shower, half of the time trying to pretend it didn’t happen to me.” He ran a hand through his curls, letting out an explosive breath. “So that was my rape. Some asshole needed a rush of power, saw me, and used me. Pretty much it.”

Ryan didn’t know what to do now. Did he touch Michael? Hug him? What did he tell him? Awkwardly, he patted Michael’s hand. “Thank you for telling me.”

It seemed like the right thing, as Michael smiled a little. “Yeah.” Ryan could see him trembling as he reached out for his brownie again, and he took Michael’s hand, pulling it back. “What the fuck?”

”Michael... can I hug you?”

”Never needed to ask before,” Michael muttered, shifting his body around so Ryan could hug him. But after what he had just said, Ryan didn’t want to make Michael feel trapped. He wanted to give comfort but not freak him out. Carefully, he wrapped his arms around Michael. He could feel Michael still trembling a little bit, but they soon evened out as he rested against Ryan. After a while, Michael shifted, pulling back slightly, and Ryan let him go. ”Thank you,” came the soft words as Michael picked up his brownie again.

* * *

”Why do you like this show?” Michael asked, nudging Ryan’s thigh with his foot. “It sucks.”

”I’ve never actually seen it before,” he admitted. “I picked something on Netflix that had an interesting description. Didn’t know it went off the rails this badly.”

”Understatement,” Michael grumbled. He twisted on the couch as the episode came to an end, heading for the bathroom. “Don’t bother putting it on pause.” Ryan laughed at that, letting it play. Even if something important happened, he’d be able to tell Michael what it was.

Ever since Michael telling him about what happened, Ryan had come over almost every night. Not because he wanted to, but because Michael asked him to. He wanted to say it was nice, that he was helping Michael... but he just felt selfish and that he was helping himself by being around him. And that had to be second to Michael.

He at least was doing better. No more violent outbursts on Gavin’s face, he hadn’t thrown up because of memories for a while, he was acting more like himself now and not pretending to act like himself... the talk with Geoff seemed to have helped, whether he knew it or not. It was nice to see.

Michael came back, worrying his lower lip. Ryan looked up at him, brow creasing. “Is everything okay?”

”Yeah, I... Ryan...” Michael let out a long breath. “Okay. Look. I’ve been wanting to do this for a while. So...” He turned off the episode, not even wondering what had happened. Then he came over to Ryan, looking down at him. His hands came out, resting on Ryan’s shoulders as his head came down, meeting Ryan’s lips with his own.


	6. Chapter 6

Michael barely let himself feel how warm Ryan’s lips were before he started to pull back. He just wanted to get this out of his system. And why not now? He had already spilled a few secrets this week; why not get them all out? It felt so good, though, to press his lips against Ryan’s. To think about what it would be like if he kissed back. But instead, Michael pulled back, starting to let his hands drop.

He stopped as Ryan’s hands settled on his hips. “What was that for?” he whispered, his gaze first on Michael’s lips before rising to his eyes.

... fucking hell. No way. He was looking into things that weren’t there. “I wanted to do it,” Michael told him, letting his hands fall and cover Ryan’s. “It’s not because I was raped. I already knew before then that I’m... not straight. It’s because I like you.”

Ryan stared steadily at him, hands light on Michael’s hips. It occurred to Michael that if he wanted to, all he needed to do was take a step back and his hands would fall away. But he didn’t want to. He didn’t want to get rid of that warmth there. “Are you sure you want to do this?” he asked quietly, his hands flexing a bit.

Michael scowled at that. “What, because I was raped? Because I might not know what the fuck I want?” Because he might not want Michael in return and he’s giving him an out?

”Because I don’t want to do this if you don’t want to.” Michael paused, looking at Ryan. What was he saying? Ryan licked his lips, not looking away. “I’ll kiss you if that’s what you want,” he said, a note entering his voice that Michael couldn’t follow. “I’ll hug you, kiss you... if you want to, I’ll fuck you.” He almost sounded surprised at the admission, his fingers tightening on Michael’s hips. “But I’m not doing it until you’re sure you want to.”

Holy _shit_. Michael felt his cheeks and neck heat up as his thumb rubbed Ryan’s wrists, his gaze sliding away. “You’re just saying that to make me feel better,” he mumbled. It worked. He did feel a little better to hear that maybe Ryan would find him desirable. But he knew it wasn’t true.

One of Ryan’s hands cupped Michael’s face, forcing him to look at Ryan. “I’m not lying,” he told him, voice intensely quiet. “I care about you. And I’ve... looked forward to spending time with you. But I would never do anything you’re not ready for. And if you don’t ever want to... I don’t need to kiss you to want to be around you.” His thumb brushed Michael’s cheek, making him close his eyes. “If you do... I want to.”

God. Michael opened his eyes, swallowing. “What do you want to do?”

”Whatever you want.”

He was giving Michael the reins. Michael could probably literally kick Ryan out of the apartment right now and he would do it. Instead, Michael pulled away, taking a deep breath. It sounded like Ryan was just... saying he’d do it to make Michael feel better. Which sucked. And if he did, he would do it to make Michael feel better. Which sucked more. Proved that Michael wasn’t fucking desirable, and he would only be fucked out of pity. Michael looked at Ryan, trying to figure out where to go from here. “You’d really do whatever I want?”

Ryan nodded.

”Kiss me.”

With those words, Ryan reached out for Michael again, pulling him close and leaning up to give him a kiss. It felt amazing, the way Ryan’s mouth moved on his. Michael tilted his head, pushing their heads closer together and breathing heavily into the kiss. Too bad this wasn’t real. Too bad that he was making Ryan do this. Making him... making...

”Michael...” Oh. Ryan was talking to him. “Michael.” He felt a hand on his cheek, and when he opened his eyes, he saw Ryan’s worried face. Relief flooded his features as he leaned in, pressing his lips to Michael’s forehead. “You were panicking,” he whispered against his skin. “It’s okay, Michael. We don’t have to do this.”

”I said kiss me,” Michael panted, shaking his head. Ryan would do whatever he wanted, right?

”Michael.” Ryan laid his forehead against Michael’s, sighing. “I don’t know what you’re doing, but this isn’t helping. I can tell you don’t want this. Come here.” Ryan pulled him closer into a hug, making Michael kneel so he was comfortable. “Listen to me,” he whispered, stroking Michael’s curls. “If we ever go that far, I want it to be because we both want it. I don’t want you to force yourself because you think you have to. I can wait.”

Both want it. Christ, it almost sounded like Ryan actually fucking wanted Michael. He hugged Ryan back, noting distantly that he was shaking slightly, and couldn’t stop. Ryan continued to run a hand through his hair, gently, trying to calm him down, and all Michael could do was hold on.

* * *

If Ryan came over to his apartment every day, Michael didn’t think he’d be able to take it. Right now, he needed some quiet time. Some time to live inside his own head and say all kinds of fun obscenities to his ceiling as he stared up at it from his couch.

Geoff was trying. He could tell that telling him had wrecked him, but he was trying not to treat him like he was about to break. That was good.

But a day with Ryan. God. What the fuck was going on? It wasn’t that Ryan was really treating him any differently, but... at the same time, he _was_. He was treating him so differently. Bringing him shit when he wouldn’t before. Touching him more. Either he hadn’t noticed it before or Ryan had started to do it now. And he wasn’t sure which of the two he preferred.

In the end, it all came back to that one fucking event, didn’t it? Ryan was only acting that way because he had been raped. Out of pity or whatever, if he hadn’t gone to the gym that day, Ryan would have never acted like that. And he knew he only offered that because it made Michael feel better. Not because he liked Michael like that too. Yeah, like anyone would like a broken unmanned hunk of junk like him. But it felt good for a little bit.

If only he knew it would last.

But it wouldn’t. Michael pulled himself off the couch, heading for the kitchen. He didn’t really have much to eat... but he could put a pizza in the oven or something. He didn’t want to make soup or a sandwich because, well, nothing could compare to what he was eating whenever Ryan was around. All canned soups and prepackaged meats tasted dead next to that.

... it really was so much more than wanting to kiss him, wasn’t it? Michael paused as he pulled the pizza out of the freezer, the thought coming to him. It was so much more than wanting to smash his mouth against Ryan’s. It was the memory of the soup in his hands and the sandwich in his mouth. It was the despairing comments made about an awful show on Netflix that they were still watching for some reason. It was the way Ryan would reach out when Michael put his feet next to him and rub his ankle.

Michael sighed, twisting the knob on the oven to start the preheating. It didn’t matter. All of that was just emotional bullshit. Proving that he liked Ryan a lot, emotionally. That didn’t mean a damn fucking thing when it came to the fact that he wasn’t desirable. Michael looked around the kitchen, sighing. One fucking event, fucking _minutes_ of his life, and it redefined everything. Fucking hell.

He just wanted every goddamn thing to go back to normal.

That would mean going back in time and telling himself not to go to the gym that day, wouldn’t it? Making himself not be in a place to be raped. And then he would be okay, and this whole thing wouldn’t have happened. He wouldn’t even have to worry about Ryan and if he was doing this out of pity because Ryan wouldn’t be doing any of this to begin with.

Yeah. He wouldn’t be.

The oven’s indicator clicked off, and Michael slid the pizza in, setting a timer and wandering back out into the living room while it cooked. His mind wandered a bit, wondering that if maybe... if... Ryan was interested, what would happen?

Just a thought exercise. If Ryan was interested in him too, would he ever be able to have sex with him? The thought alone made his breath come ragged as he curled up a little, answering the question. No, if he couldn’t even jack off, then he wasn’t going to be able to have sex with him. Then what, a relationship of kisses and hugs? If Ryan really was interested, he wouldn’t want to stay with that. He’d want someone who’d be able to sleep with him.

So then what? Where did he go from here?

The thought plagued him as the timer went off, no closer to an answer as he went to get the pizza out of the oven.

* * *

”Are you ready for the finale?” Ryan asked as he put the car into drive, leaving the parking lot.

Oh God. Michael grinned, laughing a bit. Oh God was he ready. The show had started to get enjoyably bad at this point. “I am so ready.”

Ryan grinned back at him briefly. “I was thinking,” he started, finger tapping the wheel a bit as they started to merge into traffic. “Tomorrow. Since the show ends tonight, would you... like to go out? Maybe see a movie?”

Michael looked over at him in confusion. “The hell are you going on about?”

”A date, Michael.”

Oh. Michael looked back at the road, ears hot. A date. Well then. Ryan really was going all out on this. “You sure you want to? I mean, date me?”

”Why wouldn’t I?” Ryan didn’t look away from the road, but he sounded extremely confused.

Before Michael could stop it, the flow of words burst out. “Because I’m fucking damaged! I’m a fucking broken piece of shit and I don’t get why you’re showing me this kind of pity-”

”Stop that.” Ryan’s voice was low and angry, making Michael swallow. “It’s not fucking pity. I don’t know where the hell you’re getting your ideas from, but it’s not from me. I like being around you, I like doing this, I liked kissing you, and I would like to take you out on a date. I like _you._ ”

”You’re not going to keep liking me,” Michael mumbled, slouching in his seat. “I can’t even jerk it. What the fuck am I going to do when I see your dick? You’re not going to stick around if you’re not going to get some.”

”Asexual relationships work. And I’m willing to try one.” Ryan pulled off the road, making Michael sit up in alarm before he realized they were in the parking lot of the sandwich shop. He turned to Michael, pinning the younger man with his eyes. “I like you. And I want to take things at your pace. If this doesn’t work, I will tell you right now it will never be because of our sex life.” He hesitated, then something clicked in his mind. “Michael... do you think I don’t want you?”

”Well when you put it like that,” Michael muttered.

Ryan touched his cheek, stroking his face with his thumb. “I want you. I thought I was being selfish wanting to be around you so much. When you kissed me, I wanted to take it even further. I didn’t, because you’re not ready. I want you, never forget that. We’re just going to take this at your pace.”

Michael nodded, swallowing. He still didn’t think Ryan was going to stick around... but he seemed convinced he was going to try. “Fine.” He tilted his head up slightly as Ryan kissed him, trying to commit the feeling to memory. It ended far too quickly for him as Ryan unbelted himself and stood up.

Ryan wanted to take him on a date.

... God. He wanted to take him on a date. He actually sounded like he really wanted Michael, found him desirable to be around, desirable period, but wanting to let Michael take the reins. Let him say when they could have sex, if they ever did. Because of what happened. Because he had an event that lasted only minutes that redefined his entire life. It would always be there. He would never forget it. It would shape everything he did from now on. It redefined normal for him.

And as he stood up out of Ryan’s car, Michael decided that he wanted the new definition of normal to include how Ryan’s hand took his as they entered the shop.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all so much for reading. I am so thankful to everyone that read this, who gave a fic that said "rape recovery" a chance. You all are awesome and I love you so much. Thank you.


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